When Tea Companies Hire Authors for Package Design

Many, many months ago, I picked up a box of Tazo tea at the grocery store and read the label, expecting to find a simple and succinct write-up on the ingredients. This is what it said:

I should have known better.

Tazo is a fancy-pants tea company founded in Portland, which is now part of the Starbucks company (Tazo, not Portland, although…) Of COURSE they weren’t just going to say “A mix of rooibos and green tea with notes of apple, strawberry, hibiscus and berries for a delightful, fruity finish.”  No – that would be boring. Plebian, even. Their tea can’t just be tea with “hints” or “flavors” or even “notes.”  Nope. Their flavorings frolic on your tongue and scamper through the lush fields of your mouth to have picnics and playtime, all lending to that spiritually transformative taste experience you expect in a simple tea.

Or…some struggling authors are making a bit of side money writing ad poetry for beverage companies.

Don’t get me wrong: I give Tazo Tea credit for branching out and trying something different with their tea descriptions. And if nothing else, it makes for decent alternative reading material while in the checkout line vice learning more about Batboy’s totally true adventures.

But it also got me to wondering…what if Tazo Tea decided to branch out in their author hiring pool? What if, for example they hired a science fiction writer?

Or a YA dystopian writer?

Here’s one for the Fifty Shades fans:

And for those who like bloody horror novels:

And not to be outdone, my own genre – the epic fantasy version:

I considered creating a picture book version, but I can’t draw worth a damn.

I’d been intending to post these all in one place since I tweeted them out last spring, but since my life is dominated by sadistic, never-ending time warps (my evening commutes seem to wrap right back into the morning commutes, but a gin and tonic is gone within 60 seconds of hitting my hand…), I’m just now getting around to it.

So here they are: Tazo Tea, as told by various genre authors, as told by me. I expect this makes your evening (or morning, or Tuesday, or Elevensies) even more enjoyable. Goodness knows, it should certainly make your tea time now finally worth it. You’re welcome.